Are you affiliated with Anonymous?
No I/we am/are not affiliated with Anonymous. No, I/we are not that cool. We think they do great work, though. And they look great in jeans. And their hair(s) smell marvelous. We love them. They are so smart. And their biceps are just so big.
[Please don’t hurt us.]
Why are you Anonymous, then?
AnonyMissus was founded on honesty, a dish best served cold. The most objective and honest reviews come from anonymous customers. We’d like to keep the peace in all other professional and personal aspects of our daily lives, thus, I/we are anonymous in an effort to avoid judgey looks/attacks from (a) the right wing elite, (b) religious extremists and (c) your crazy drunk aunt.
Do you get paid to review stuff?
Nope. I/we get paid to be a baller(s). Stacks on stacks on stacks.
What’s with all the flip-flopping? You say you are ‘crunchy’, but you’re always eating those toxic Sweet & Spicy Doritos. There are some red crumbs on your face right now.
First of all, Sweet & Spicy Doritos are the mother*cking shit, fool. So YOU’RE failing at life if YOU AREN’T doing that.
Second, much like your mother’s sexuality, healthy living is a fluid and ever-changing landscape. We do what works. We try our best. We eat Doritos if they taste delicious. Maybe not as often as you think. We take our vitamins. Sometimes we screentime-cave and let AnonyMunch watch Sesame Street for 26 minutes. We live in the middle. We do this because we are monsters. And we crave balance and peace.
DISCLAIMER: AnonyMissus lives amongst you. Remember this: she is the person who does your laundry and cooks your food and serves your dinner. She makes your bed. She guards you while you’re asleep. She drives the ambulances. She directs your call. She is the cook and taxi driver and she knows everything about you. She processes your insurance claims and credit card charges. She controls every part of your life.
Do not f*ck with her.