It’s tempting to buy a crappy box of See’s Candy whenever you have to procure a Secret Santa gift for a co-worker or when visiting a dinner party. Sh*t. It’s easier than attempting NOT to drink the fancy $15.98 bottle of Syrah you bought as a gift. Which is arguably insane and totally impossible.
And so we’re left with the options: (a) flowers (b) crappy wine you won’t drink or (c) a subscription to any of the magazines below.
Until now. See, 2 months ago I ate a piece of candy at my mother’s home. As soon as I did, rainbow swirls came out of the electric sockets, my legs turned in to gummy worm -springs, and I couldn’t stop orgasming. When I was awoken by the feeling of kittens licking my face, I read the box and found out it was English Toffee made by a company called Honest to Goodness Toffee. Then I ate a pound of it. Sorry, not sorry.
First, I know what you are thinking:
1. What the f*ck? Toffee? Not really a fan.
2. I’m more of a chocolate person.
3. Every time I eat toffee I crack my teeth open and pull off a crown.
But here is the reality: you are wrong. You are a toffee person. Everybody is a HTG Toffee person. Just like everyone is a Gandi person. And everyone loves puppies. And videos of cats in boxes.
Because you bite into the little piece of toffee, and it breaks apart. Gently. The most delicate Southern Belle of sweets. It’s brittle, but not hard, and it melts in your mouth without any work. It’s buttery, nutty, sweet, and doesn’t stick to your teeth. It’s a sheet of toffee, covered in chocolate, and topped with sliced almonds. And it’s better than any other candy you’ve every tried. We realize this is a bold statement. We stand by it.
Eat a lb yourself. It’s a right of passage, and it’s okay.
Stop what you are doing and order some. They are made in a little home kitchen, which means you are probably buying something from a noble mom who is running a business out of her home. I’m pretty sure this would please Jesus. And btdubs: No, we are not affiliated with this company. No, we don’t even know them. No, we are not being paid to write this. We have just taken it upon ourselves to spread the word. Because we love you, and we love food.
Now, the task is in your hands. Go forth. Bring it to parties. Pretend you discovered it. Be the famous awesome mofo who knows all there is to know about the hidden gems of the online candy industry. And for f*ck’s sake, please bring this to my next dinner party.
Photocred: Honest to Goodness