As always, please press play on music below. Doing say will cause instantaneous orgasm.
Oh, Valentine’s Day. Blargh. You are the holiday equivalent of those heart-shaped candies: nasty, chalky, and you will later give me cancer.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
- Do I love eating tons of steak and getting drunk by candlelight? Chyah.
- Do I love foreplay involving listening to AnonyMister yodel while I slowly climb into a fuzzy purple body suit while being slowly misted by maple syrup? Chyah.
- Do I love getting $13 Hallmark cards with cute kangaroo pics on them? Chyah.
Do I like being forced to do this in February? F*CK NO! I still have to do my taxes and I haven’t recovered from Christmas yet. Chill the fuck out, February.
So I said it once, and I’ll say it again: f*ck f*cking Valentine’s day.
Let’s take a minute and take stock of the many annual gifts I’m forced to purchase as someone who is in a committed “adult” relationship :
1. Birthday: Average Gift Price $100
2. Father’s Day: Average Gift Price $150
3. Wedding Anniversary: Average Gift Price $100
4. Christmas: Average Gift Price $200
5. Veteran’s Day: Average Gift Price $100
Additionally, do you know how much the average consumer spending for Valentine’s Day is estimated to reach $18.9 billion?
Total spending this Valentine’s Day is expected to reach $18.9 billion: http://t.co/A48uVL7wbt
— Forbes (@Forbes) February 13, 2015
All in all, a $1300 per-couple holiday gift bullshittery. Along with the time spent trying to figure out what to get and actually having to go to buy it!
So what’s the sanity & money-saving Wife Hack? It’s simple: Valentine’s Day comes around alright, but only once every two years (for me). Do the sexytime trade-off.
Let me give you a snapshot of 2012’s Valentine’s Day:
Slutty leather Lingerie. Bleeding red steak. 3 hours of Lord of the Rings. One or two blowjobs. Donezo. No presents. No muss, no fuss.
Flash forward to 2013’s Valentine’s Day:
Weird-chokey sex. Bleeding red steak. Amélie. Truffle Gouda cheese. LOTS of wine.
So what’s the rule? Trade off Valentine’s Days. Don’t require gifts. Be their slave for the day. Ladies, watch his Star Trek marathon with him. You can get him back next year when you make him watch that one stupid J-Lo movie you secretly want to watch. Get drunk. And don’t worry about buying a gift.
Thems are the rules. Now go get some steak and leather, and start getting freakay.
CHALLENGE: Can you guess which one was mine? Hint: I like bleeding red steak.